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The Australian Catholic Truth Society Record
May 20, 1953 (No. 520)
Fr J W Gleeson

  THE ADOLESCENT

Because of the special difficulties that many parents experience with their adolescent children, I think it is profitable to devote some attention to this particu­lar age group.

With the onset of adolescence comes a period that is essentially one of trouble and of problems for the individual. Ac­cordingly, it is usually a period of unrest and uncertainty. The reliability of things and of persons vanishes, not because these persons or things have become different, but because the adolescent's relations to­wards them have changed. This change of relations is due to the change in the individual himself, or rather, to the con­sciousness or awareness he has of himself. The happy unconsciousness of his early childhood is lost for ever. Within him­self and in his personality, there are rapid changes going on. To him the world and the people in it present an ever-changing aspect.

Nobody can ever hope to understand the adolescent mind and even less to in­fluence it somewhat, unless he is fully aware of the fact that uncertainty is the very basic feature of this age.

Yet we frequently meet with adults who judge the growing generation with impatience or even with harshness. They have left their own youth behind them, and distance lends enchantment to many things. They have forgotten that the frivolity, the heedlessness and the simple efforts towards adjusting themselves, which they now find so irritating in the adolescent, were equally galling to their elders when they were young.

THE MAIN PROBLEM

This brings me to the fact that we need to remember each individual who is grow­ing up, and must not place all adolescents in one and the same mould.

The central phenomenon and the real problem of adolescence is the formation of the definite self. All other features and factors, such as sexual growth and awareness, are aspects of this one cen­tral process. One can never hope to attain a real understanding of the adoles­cent mind unless one fully acknowledges the central and fundamental importance of this process of formation and consoli­dation of self. This process is revealed in uncertainty, which becomes the very characteristic of adolescence.

The dawning consciousness that he is 'becoming a distinct person' makes the adolescent feel that he ought to be able to rely on himself, that he ought to be independent in his decisions, that he ought to become fully responsible for his actions. From this arises the longing for indepen­dence, a tendency for self-assurance, the unwillingness to listen to advice and the repugnance of blind obedience. In simpler and less dignified language, we see arise in these young people the "don't fence me in" attitude.

Little children in the average good home develop an unquestioning confi­dence in their parents. With adolescents, this attitude vanishes quickly and so it is important that the infantile attitudes of parents be replaced by ones adequate to the individual stages of development. This replacement often fails to take place on the part of the parents because they do not understand what is happening with their child. They do not notice, or very often, they do not want to know, that their child is no longer the little, helpless and implicitly trusting being he was but a few months before. They are shocked or disappointed to see the charming traits of childhood disappear.

WHAT PARENTS CAN DO

Instead of adjusting themselves to the new situation, instead of trying to under­stand this new personality of their child, parents often reproach him for things for which he should not be held responsible. Sometimes they try to treat him as if he were still a little child.

This is a most unhappy and dangerous situation. Parents should try to observe and follow carefully the gradual changes in their child and adjust their attitude and their measures to them. They should avoid all behaviour which undermines the original trusting love of the child. Their neglect in these matters may have no immediate effect, but impressions keep on rankling in some secret place in the child's mind and they become influential the very moment .problems arise within the child—problems which make confidence difficult, obedience loathsome, tenderness repulsive. Parents should be happy to be able to help their children to grow up, to be able to depend upon and to be able to control themselves.

Because of his uncertainty, the adoles­cent may not know what is really wrong with himself, or why he needs help, and even if he has some vague idea of these things, he frequently does not know how to express it because all his experiences are new and different. With the slowly growing consciousness of being a distinct
person, having to live his own life, the adolescent mind develops a natural re­luctance to disclose itself. What makes the parents, who have been accustomed to the open-mindedness of the child, call the adolescent reticent, secret and im­penetrable is, in truth, the first manifesta­tion of a normal and even necessary quality of an adult mind. One may give to this quality the name of discretion, meaning the right discernment of things to be told and things to be withheld. The adolescent, because of his essential un­certainty, does not as yet know how to steer a middle course. Accordingly, he may be very outspoken one day and be­come utterly reticent the next. For this reason, it is well to make use of every opportunity he offers of getting to know him and his problems better. It will never do with adolescents to put them off, because we can never be sure that to­morrow they will be as willing to con­fide and to listen as they are today.

UNCERTAINTIES

This state of uncertainty to which I have referred is at the bottom of what is so often alluded to as the fickleness of the adolescents. They are fickle, no doubt; their interests change rapidly; they form friendships that do not last; they get en­thusiastic about things that bore them soon afterwards; they are meek today and stubborn tomorrow, willing to work for a short spell and soon disgusted with every­thing concerned with work; they may be friendly, considerate and then cross, ego­tistic, impossible to approach. All these things and many similar things are true. But all the changes made, all the difficul­ties caused by them, all the trouble at school and at home, are but external signs of the inner uncertainty.

If you add to all this the question of the end of school days, the selection of the kind of work that they want, the new problems of work and environment, you can see that those who are responsible for adolescents are faced with a situation in which they must give tremendous help and never-ending sympathy and under­standing.

It is well to mention here that much of the modern increased understanding of youth and of its problems fails to benefit the adolescent as it should because the one force, that can protect him and coun­teract the very dangers to which he is exposed, is invoked but very little and, in some quarters, it is not invoked at all. I mean the force of supernatural religion. It is a regrettable fact that much of the literature on adolescence is frankly natu­ralistic and materialistic. We must keep in mind the fact that in our Catholic Faith and in the sacramental helps sup­plied by it, we have the answer to our needs.

RELIGION IN THE HOME

Here again right attitudes are very im­portant. In the home there must be re­spect for God, there must be prayer, must be talk about God and what God wants, and His goodness and His kind­ness, His Providence. Threats about God's  punishments should not be necessary. God should be presented to the children as a loving Father, exemplified to the chil­dren in their own loving father and mother.

Religious practices will present prob­lems in the home. Let us consider, e.g., the Rosary. This is long and tiring for little children, and if they get into an awful argument because they wriggle a little or if they giggle occasionally, they will start to dislike the Rosary. The same can happen if children are lined up for Con­fession and Communion on every possible occasion without their first being given the opportunity of deciding to receive the Sacraments of their own accord. This may particularly apply in the families of very devout parents. Perhaps later on the children will say, "I'm sick of religion. I'm finished with it."

Again, a danger is coming into the lives of these children from within the family itself not from neglect of religion, but from a mistaken attitude on the part of parents in the religious life of their chil­dren.

WITHIN THE HOME—A SUMMING UP

In the above pages you can see my reasons for stressing that the greatest dan­gers that can come to young people are frequently the dangers from within their own family. But, if the family is firmly grounded in the love of God, relying on His Providence, and the other points to which I have referred are remembered, it doesn't matter so much about the other dangers with which I shall now deal. The children will have the right approach and will be equipped and strengthened by their Faith and their family to face them.

Next....
II. OUTSIDE THE HOME

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The Australian Catholic Truth Society Record
May 20, 1953 (No. 520)
Fr J W Gleeson

AUTHORITY AND DISCIPLINE

Because of the need of proper discipline in the home, authority must be used, but used wisely. Sometimes the discipline in a home is harsh. In these homes it is not, "Do this because it is a reasonable and good thing to do it," but "Do this because I say so, and, if you don't you won't be able to ask why." Such an at­titude can build up a spirit of rebellion among the children. There will, of course, be times when Dad or Mom must lay down the law. Also it is wise for both Dad and Mom to agree on the required rules and remedies before taking any action. On no account should they dis­agree over this in the presence of the children. Once children know that they can play one parent off against the other, their authority is seriously weakened. While the use of authority presents diffi­culties in dealing with young children, it can present tremendous difficulties in the case of adolescents. The adolescent is not inclined to rely on others and has not yet gained sufficient insight to be capable of understanding the necessity and right of authority. He may reveal this in various ways, he may seem to be ashamed of his parents because they are out of date; he wants to rebel against all authorized and traditional authority; he wants to show that he is no longer a baby; he may rebel against parents who con­tinually nag that he is not progressing satisfactorily in school work; he, and prob­ably more frequently she, is antagonized by coercion in trivial things, e.g., she does not want to wear the school uniform or gloves or stockings, as laid down by school rules or current etiquette. In this, of course, there might at times be a lot to be said in defence of the adolescent; e.g., the attitude of parents and even teachers that makes it appear that "bobbing" hair, smok­ing or wearing slacks (jeans ed.) are mortal sins when such is not the case.

YOUTH CAN CO-OPERATE

In solving the various problems, it is necessary to work with adolescents and not against them. To let them see that there are reasons for things in both individual and general cases. The adolescents in families can be assisted to make their own rules and to see that they are kept. It is amazing what results can be achieved in this way, particularly in such matters as the performing of duties at home, the number of evening outings per week, spending and saving, etc.

Do not mistake me, however, by think­ing that there is no place for direct par­ental authority. It is essential that this must exist and be exercised, but exercised in a reasonable and sensible fashion. In the Encyclical on the Christian Education of Youth by Pope Pius XI we read: "Par­ents and all who would take their place in the work of education should be careful to make the right use of the authority given to them by God. This authority is not given for their own advantage, but for the proper upbringing of their chil­dren in a holy and filial 'fear of God, the beginning of wisdom' on which founda­tion alone all respect for authority can rest securely."

Sometimes, parents make the mistake of appealing to the perfection which they exercised when they were young, e.g., "When we were young, we were not al­lowed to do that," or simply, "We always obeyed our parents when we were young." Bad memories are probably the only ex­cuses which can be offered to prevent such statements being lies. Sooner or later, the children will find out, perhaps from your own lips, that this perfection did not exist.

In obtaining the obedience of adoles­cents, it is well to remember that the principal incentive to voluntary action is found in the motive or reason for things. It is not sufficient that the motive be really one of value or importance, it must be one that really appeals to the particular indi­vidual. We need also to remember that supernatural motives, which are of the greatest worth in themselves, may not ap­pear so at first sight. Further, we must lead up to supernatural motives by the use of natural motives offered by the in­terests and desires of the youth. Hence, the need to know the interests and de­sires of the specific boy or girl. This can only be obtained where there is intimate contact, as in the home or in the school. Careful observation can give this know­ledge. All this is difficult, but it is very worthwhile. For unless we can reach the adolescent in his intimate interests and de­sires we cannot move him. But if we have achieved some insight into them, we can't really inspire youth. And he, who can inspire, holds youth in the hollow of his hand.

We must recognize the need for intel­ligent, prudent and co-ordinated discipline in every home. If it does not exist, re­spect for authority in the home and out­side of it will be destroyed.

Next.....
THE ADOLESCENT

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The Australian Catholic Truth Society Record
May 20, 1953 (No. 520)
Fr J W Gleeson

THE ATTITUDE OF PARENTS

This is what happens. Babies can be so cute, interesting and entertaining. But when they get about three or four the situation changes. Let's take just one example: Dad is trying to read the paper and is interrupted by a stream of questions: "Why does the light burn, Daddy?" and "Where does the electricity come from, Daddy?" and many other problems that confront the developing mind of the growing child. Dad gets tired of it, loses his patience and yells, "Oh! go and play." Perhaps money for sweets(candy) is given as a bribe. It is interesting to note in pass­ing, how frequently children are repri­manded for being impatient while their parents are constantly displaying impati­ence in their presence.

Where there is a persistent attitude of no give and take, no consideration for the child's queries and difficulties, there is this result: when the child finds it has some real need or has a real question, it will not go to Dad or Mom because "They don't understand me. They don't want to answer questions." In such cases, it is clear that those early years of the child's life, with the wonderful opportunity which they offer to build up confidence, respect and love between the child and the parent, are being wasted, because Dad or Mom or both are too selfish.

So you see, we need to remember this: those early years from babyhood are the times for building up that attitude of confidence and respect which is so essen­tial in the problems later on. Take, for example, the child who asks, "Daddy, where do babies come from?", and he hears, "Oh! Go and ask your mother." The child asks his mother, and I she mother says, "Oh! The storks bring them." The child knows it is not being told the truth because; Dad wouldn't have behaved the way he did, and Mum wouldn't have looked so embarrassed if she were speak­ing honestly. Then comes a day when the chiid wants to know further information of this nature and it will ask a little play­mate down the street who knows all the answers and is very proud to tell every­body else about it. Once this situation has arisen the parents have forfeited the privilege of giving this most intimate and important knowledge to their children, be­cause the child has lost confidence in them.

HELPS FOR THE PARENTS

That is why the proper attitude of con­fidence must be built up from the earliest years. If it is not, there is a serious danger coming into the family. Of course, sometimes parents haven't the faintest idea of the way they should answer their chil­dren's questions. Parents must equip themselves with the knowledge and methods required to explain and meet the various needs of their children, particu­larly in the matter of questions about sex. There are many books, both good and bad, on this matter. Some good ones are, You Are Her Mother and He is your Son; Christopher's Talks to Catholic Parents, by David Green-stock (Burns, Gates), is also very help­ful. But never think that you will solve all the problems by giving your child a book. It is rather a question of building up, giving as much and only as much, knowledge as the child needs and can un­derstand at the particular age it has reached. Your dealing with your child will be a revelation of your whole appreciation of the dignity and sacredness of life, of your own attitude towards sex. These will be revealed because your own altitude to your child is yourself, your whole life, and that is what you reveal when you answer your children's ques­tions. Besides using books, there are other ways of equipping yourselves—school parents' study groups, Christian Family Croups, Cana Conferences and also pre-Cana Courses before marriage. You well know all the trouble people take to fit themselves to earn their living. It is reasonable to ask. "Do you go to at least an equivalent amount of trouble to fit yourselves for the most worthy dignity of being a father, or of being a mother?" Sometimes the answer must be "No."

Next
AUTHORITY AND DISCIPLINE

(previous article)
The Australian Catholic Truth Society Record
May 20, 1953 (No. 520)
Fr J W Gleeson

RELIGION IN THE HOME

Religion must be a vital force in family life — something to be lived by all its members. If religion is regarded merely as a nuisance on Sunday mornings, or only as a subject for children at school, there can be no true religious life in the home. Have you ever thought of the consequences of this?

Perhaps we are inclined to think that delinquent or troublesome children only come from poor and neglected homes — from the sub-standard dwellings that form the slum areas of big cities — the houses; with broken windows and rickety doors and furniture—the houses where filth lies undisturbed and where dirty and shabbily clothed children are subjected to obvious immoral companionships and environment. From these houses we more or less take it for granted that there will be trouble­some children coming forth—children who lack love and respect—respect for others, respect for the law. We are usually, though not always, correct in this judgement.

Unfortunately, however, with the de­cline of religion in public life, we have adopted an attitude of mind in which we think that, provided all the material needs of the children are satisfied, everything else is satisfactory for sound home life and training of children. Experience teaches us almost the opposite. If there is real love and respect in the home, it does not matter how poor that home is.

SAD EXAMPLE

Let us consider a few examples from real life which have come to my notice.

The first was a case of over-indulgent parents. Their girl had been given a very expensive church schooling. When she reached the age of 18 years, she received a car for her own personal use and was allowed to go wherever she liked. Her parents, though nominally Christian, were in fact pagans, but good, "nice" people. The daughter, in spite of her respectable parents, on leaving school was soon in constant trouble with the law because of her immoral life and association with criminals. In other words, according to the common statement, "She had let her family down." But had she? They did not lift her up. They supplied everything on the material level, but nothing on the spiritual level. Now she is living solely on that material level on which, though admittedly in a more "respectable'' manner, her parents have lived.

Another is the case of a Catholic girl who always went to a convent school. Three months after she left school she dropped the practice of her religion. On investigation, it was found that there was absolutely no religious life whatsoever in her home. The parents did not attend Mass. In their home there were no private or family prayers, no reverence for God, no religious pictures; there was a picture of nudes in the front room. The girl afterwards lived with a married man and said, "I hate my parents." Yes—she hated the parents who gave her a Catholic schooling and all that went with it, but who did not give her a love of spiritual things; they did not give her a love of God and a respect for the laws of God and man.

These two examples happen to concern girls, but boys are concerned just as much, if not more. I could quote more examples but these two suffice to illustrate how important it is for parents to be .aware of their obligation to supply more than the material needs of their children. In other words, the home must provide a real and vigorous religious life, supported by the mutual love, respect, sympathy and understanding of parents and children.

Sometimes this parental concern comes too late. When one of the girls to whom I referred had reached the age of 18 years and had disgraced her parents, the father wanted to whip her. If perhaps he had used his discipline with love and respect when she was younger there would have been no occasion for severity later. But this particular father had been too indulgent all along. He had let the child do what she liked. When she satisfied her whims as a young woman, he did not appreciate it. But that was the way he had trained her.

THE ATTITUDE OF PARENTS

The Australian Catholic Truth Society Record
May 20, 1953 (No. 520)
Fr J W Gleeson

THE FAMILY

The family is the basic unit of society. It is essential that this fact should be known and remembered by legislators, educators, and especially by parents. Christ sanctified the family, and the Church has always regarded it as one of her sacred duties to protect family life and to promote the spiritual and temporal welfare of the family. It is in and through family life that most people will save their souls. Therefore, we should appreciate the importance of the family and of those things that protect the family. We should also know just how menacing is anything that threatens the stability, the unity, the happiness and the complete development of family life.

A PERSONAL NOTE

Fathers and mothers of the present and future—I am writing these pages in the hope that they may be of help to you in your family life. They are an attempt to point out evils and to suggest the remedies which are an application of Christian principles. If you can discuss these ideas with others, you will gain greater value from them. Further, you may thus be able to take part in the very worthwhile task of promoting Christian family life.

IS ANYTHING WRONG?

Only those who are completely blind to modern trends will be unaware of the fact that vicious attacks from within and without are being made upon the family in these days. The future offers no immediate sign of a change in this. Rather does the position seem to grow worse from day to day with the increasing influence of materialism and naturalism and the concomitant decline in the practice of religion, particularly outside the Catholic Church.

I. WITHIN THE HOME Let us get it clear that a home is not just a building of so many squares. A home is a place (a centre of life is perhaps a better description) in which the mutual love of husband and wife radiate to each other and also to those children who are begotten through loving union. Unless this union of the husband and wife is based on love, respect and discipline, there are positive dangers to all those who live in that house with insecurity, unhappiness, even hatred, as the consequences.

With the mention of dangers to the family our minds usually turn Immediately to such things as comics and films. I think you will agree, however, after more serious reflection, that the most insidious dangers can come from within the home itself. Unless in the home there is mutual love and respect based on the love of God and trust in His Providence, the greatest danger of all is striking at the heart of the family and of the children.

Part 2: RELIGION IN THE HOME

I have come across in my library a stack of Catholic Truth Society pamphlets from the 50s. These were specifically left to me by my Godfather and uncle. I often wondered how I could make the most use of these practical and often funny explanations of our Faith. So I will text scan them in and post. I will add a category called Truth Society. As I get a few I will add a Page with them as pdf so people can share the Truth.
God bless